A lot has gone on that has truly made me think recently. It's funny how God has taken things that have made me feel so many different emotions – sadness, frustration, satisfied, wonder, confident, cautious – and used these to teach me so many things.
A conversation with a good friend of mine, made me realize that even though I've told myself that I'm okay with being single that I'm still focusing on the idea of being in a relationship without even realizing it. It made me realize that right now God seems to want me to focus on him and my relationship with Him, not worrying about being in a relationship with a guy. I keep hearing this tug and a voice saying if you hand over the keys of your life, the pen from which your story is being written that He will show me the guy I'm meant to be with when the time is right. But first I need to do more than loosen my hold on those keys or pen, I need to completely let go of it. That's where the satisfied, happy, and full of wonder part comes in.
Yet at the same time I'm sad, frustrated, and feeling more cautious than I might have felt a month ago. I seem to have gotten stuck in the same spot again. How do I do this to myself? Every time I think I've found a great guy, its the same thing. Without going into details I got stuck in this spot where I am feeling these feelings again, feelings of sadness and frustration. It still stings a little bit every time. Which leads to the more cautious part as I am more afraid of falling to that spot again.
And that is why as I'm feeling like this that I take a moment to take a deep breath and ask God to change my heart. I ask him to remind me that he has a plan that is far greater than I could ever imagine. And that's when I hear him ask me to give him the control, and focus on him and his word. So I am going to remind myself to take a moment every day to ask him this.
As I go back to the beginning of this blog post, I see that even though it might hurt or be confusing, that God is taking these feelings to show me just how much I need him and to help keep me from straying off the path. I trust that he knows where I am going better than myself but at the same time I am afraid to completely relinquish control over my life. I am still learning trust, and patience each and every day.
On a side note I'm going to end with some lyrics to a song that I am listening to right this second.
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
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